My Thoughts on Miscarriage, Stillbirth, and Losing Children12:40:00 PM
I try to be as positive as possible on this blog. But in between the recipes and crafts and DIY, I also try to be real. Last week was a tough one for me. Nothing untoward happened to me or mine physically, but a coworker’s relative had a still-born baby. This little one was about as far along as my twins were when we had them. Maybe it was the close gestational age of the baby to my twins when they were born. Maybe it was because this sad event (that occurred to someone I don’t know!) happened almost 3 years to the week of my miscarriage. I don’t know why it hit me so hard, but I teared up talking to my coworker about it, and a week later, it still makes me tear up.
And I thought, why shouldn’t I share this with you? Because I am pretty sure that there are others of you who have lost a little one. In fact, I know so. One of my favorite blogging buddies blogs over at NoHolding Back and she has so much to say about how she lost one of her sweet little twins so early--just a couple days after she was born. She’s a real expert on the subject, and an amazing advocate for the March of Dimes.
So I just wanted to share my thoughts on losing a baby. These same things may apply if you've lost a non-baby child--I can only speak from my experience of losing my unborn baby. I’m not a professional, and I definitely won’t win any counseling awards—these are the thoughts of a mom who has been there...pure and simple.
- It hurts. Let it hurt. Mourn, in whatever way works for you. I spent my evenings crying until I had no tears left, but I only took a long weekend to recover before going back to work. I just couldn’t handle sitting at home—keeping busy was the key for me. Your mourning may look different. Don't let anyone belittle your loss. Losing a child is a huge--don't let anyone say anything different.
- You are not alone. When I had my miscarriage, I was amazed at how many women I know that came forward and mourned with me. Some, I knew had miscarried. Others had chosen to mourn in silence and I only became aware of their loss when I, too, lost my baby. If you need someone to come along side you, open up and share what is happening…I think you will be surprised at how many people will share their loss with you.
- It gets better, but it never really goes away. I hadn’t thought of my little miscarried baby in depth for a while, but as soon as my coworker shared what happened, it all came rushing back. The pain is there, but time has dulled it.
- More babies don't heal the wound. I was super blessed to become pregnant with my twins only a couple months after the miscarriage. However, the next pregnancy doesn't make it "all better." But in some ways, that next pregnancy was so much more difficult. When you’ve lost a baby, all of the sudden it is so much more difficult to “bond” to that baby (or in my case, babies) while you are pregnant. It’s so much more difficult to get excited about the pregnancy, the nursery, new baby clothes, because you worry that that horrible loss will happen again. This is normal, and it’s even more difficult to get excited about a pregnancy that is high risk, as mine was with the twins.
I could keep going, but I'm starting to tear up again, and I really want to post this today. Today, apparently, is A Day of Hope, and day for speaking for children who are no longer here, started by CarlyMarie and Project Heal.If you have lost a child, please share your story--you never know who it might help.